A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.
"But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer."

James Bond was sitting at a bar when a pretty blonde sat next to him. James looked at his watch, looked back at the girl then looked back his watch. The girl asks "whats wrong, is your date late?" James says "No, I have just got a new watch which tells me about the girl sitting next to me." The girl then asks "So what does it tell you about me?" James replied "It says you are not wearing any underwear." The girl says "Well I am!" James said "Oh, sorry sweetie... my watch must be an hour fast."

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes he embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

The Wisdom of an Older Man...

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? 'The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221!"

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.... This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else.. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned - frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

A Mexican house keeper asked for a pay increase.. The wife was very upset about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why
I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.' .......... Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'............ Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'............................... She definitely got the raise…….

'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my
bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and! said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued... 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more .
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down
and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary
of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No, sir -that's where the end of the line is!"

A farmer takes a shortcut through his orchard to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit. Once he gets to the pond, he sees two girls skinny dipping. They see him and immediately drop below the water. "We're not coming out until you leave!" shouts one of the girls. "I didn't come to watch you swim naked." says the farmer, holding up the bucket. "I'm just here to feed the alligators."

In a recent sex survey, conducted by the University of Michigan, 9 out of 10 guys prefer women with big breasts. The 10th guy prefers the other 9 guys.

A guy says to his doctor, "I'm having trouble with my memory." The doctor asks, "When did this start?" The guy replies, "When did what start?"

I went to a bookstore the other day. I asked the clerk, "Where's the self-help section?" He said if he told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Yesterday I called a discount exterminator. A guy showed up with a rolled up newspaper.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work to-day, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you to-day. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.... You got nice house."

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing
One lady turns and asks “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm’. ‘Mutual orgasm’ here and ‘mutual orgasm’ there - that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said “No, I think we had State Farm.”

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

Newspaper Headline:
Police Station toilet stolen....
Cops have nothing to go on.

A guy goes to see his urologist about getting a vasectomy. The urologist says, “This is a major decision. Have you discussed it with your family?” The guy replies, “Yes... they voted 12-2 in favor of it!”

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
“We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we´ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.
“If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.”
“Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... then there’s you, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...”

In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product. It was called “Y2K Jelly.” What was special about it? It allowed you to get four digits in your date instead of two.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost
directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye
of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at
the men standing below. She notices an elderly man 80+ standing amongst
the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you, too?”
“No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s a quiverin.”

Man out on the town goes to a dance sees a nice babe and says “Man would I’d really like to get in your pants.”
The Women says “No thanks I have one asshole in there all ready!”

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated...
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
”Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

A guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm and waks up to his wife.
He says, “I just wanted to show you the pig I’ve been screwing”.
The wife says, “That’s not a pig, it’s a duck.”
The husband says, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the duck!”

The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be dying.”

Social Security Sex:
Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”
Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”
Loud Sex:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t
see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up!”
Quiet Sex:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come
you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”
Confounded Sex:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would
be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but
the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?”
asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
Wedding Anniversary Sex:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that
reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone reads:
‘Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.’”
Women’s Humor:
•My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.”
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
•A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman says..... “I’ll miss you.”

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, “Well what was that for?”
He says, “That’s for 40 years of rotten sex!”
She doesn’t reply and they start rocking again. All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, “Well what was that for?”
She says, “That’s for knowing the difference!”

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some
difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”
So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...”
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
“Okay, now take off my skirt....” and he takes off her skirt.
“Now take off my bra...” which he does.
“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.” and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the
blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot.”
”Forget it, man! You don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced “a typical Texas baby boy weighing 18 pounds.”
Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of “Wow!” are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 18 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Ten pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. “Why? What happened? He already
weighed 18 pounds at birth.” The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

A man goes into a doctor’s office and
says “Doctor! Doctor! I have five
penises!!”
The doctor says “Good lord, man! How
do your pants fit?”
The man says, “Like a glove.”

A guy is on a trip on a small airline.
The stewardess says, “Would you like dinner?”
He says, “What are my choices?”
She says, “Yes or no.”

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plump and red.”
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
“An apple.”
“No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
“Is it a peach?”
“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.” By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
“A banana,” she says.
“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.”
“Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”
“Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!”

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?” comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman,’ Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you” replies the heavenly voice.
“Sounds great.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam replies.
“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, “Uh, what can I get for a rib?”

A guy is walking up to the doctor’s office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.
The guy walks in and says, “Doc, what’s with the nun?”
The doctor says, “Oh, I just told her she’s pregnant.”
The guy says, “The nun’s pregnant?”
The doctor says, “No. But it certainly cured her hiccups.”

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?**
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?**
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?** Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?** Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?**
Why is a boxing ring square?**
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? ** Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?**
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?**
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?**
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?**
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?**
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?**
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?**
Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?** Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?**
Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?**
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?**
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

What’s the best way to make your wife scream when you’re having sex?
Call her up and tell her where you are.

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.
The Medical Director came to know of David’s heroic act, so he immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.
The doctor called David in and said to him, “We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news, I am sorry to say, is that the patient whom you saved, John, hung himself in the bathroom and died.”
David replied, “Doctor, he didn’t hang himself, I hung him up there to dry.”

Margaret approaches Father O’Leary after his Sunday morning service in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Margaret, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father...”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Margaret?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please, Margaret, put down the shotgun...”

A guy walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender sets them up, and the guy drinks them one after another. The guy does this every day for two weeks straight. Finally, the bartender asks him why he always orders three shots at a time.
The guy says “I have one brother in Spain and another brother in France. They do the same thing. It’s like the three of us having a drink together every day.”
The next day the guy walks into the bar and only orders two shots.
After he drinks them down, the bartender says, “What happened? Did one of your brothers die?”
The guy says, “No. I quit drinking.”

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old

A lady walks into an adult book store and says to the clerk, “Where are the dildos?”
The clerk says, “On the wall over there...”
She looks and then points and says, “I want one that big red one.”
The clerk says, “Sorry, lady. That’s the fire extinguisher, the dildos are next to it.”
enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

It was this really hot day and this penguin was having car trouble, so he took it into a garage. The penguin asks, “How long will it be?” The mechanic says, “Just a few minutes.” So the penguin decides to go get some ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Two hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, “So, how’s my car?” The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin says, “No, No, No, I was just eating ice cream.”

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back
seat?”
The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”
The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
“Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to
the zoo!”
“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
“Look,” she said,......... I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad
starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat
and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles
and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “Good heavens, no,” the woman replies. “I am a Divorce Attorney.”

A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked
what it resembled.
“That’s two poodles having sex,” replied the patient.
To the second inkblot, the patient said, “That’s a naked girl leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her.”
The doctor showed him the third inkblot. “That’s a pair of crotchless underpants,” the patient said.
Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, “You have a filthy, disgusting mind!”
“Look who’s talking!” the patient cried. “You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to get married, but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so easy to find in this day and age, but he starts scouring the country in search of his virgin. After a few months of looking, the millionaire is out on a date one night, and he thinks he may have finally found his honey.
The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as they’re riding in the back of his limousine, the man whips out his penis.
“Oh my goodness!” exclaims the woman. “What in the world is that?”
“You don’t know what this is?” asks the millionaire.”
“Oh, no!” replies the woman. “I’ve never seen anything like that in my whole life!”
The man puts his penis away, reaches over, and starts hugging the woman. “I love you!” he cries. “I’m going to marry you! I’m going to make you the richest, happiest woman in the whole world!”
A month later they get married. On their wedding night in the hotel room, the husband sits down on the bed next to his wife. He pulls out his penis and says to her, “Are you sure you’ve never seen anything like this?”
“Never,” says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder.
“Well,” explains the man, “this is my penis.”
“No, it’s not!” says the woman, in total disbelief.
“It’s not?” asks the puzzled millionaire.
“No,” answers his wife. “Penises are twelve inches and black!”

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one.
“Well... not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well... not exactly.... I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets causes the two girls to be a little nervous.
One girl leans over to the other and says, “You know, I’ve never come this way before”.
The other girl says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

So the Pope arrives at New York’s Kennedy Airport, fully attired in his Pope regalia. He gets into a limo and laments to his driver that the biggest drawback of being Pope is that he has trouble doing fun things.
Pope: You know, I haven’t driven a car in 15 years. You think that maybe I could drive this limo around town a bit?
Driver: I could get fired for doing this.
Pope: Just 15 minutes.
So the Pope gets behind the wheel and dons the chauffeur’s hat. Five minutes later a police car pulls him aside for reckless driving. The cop immediately begins writing a ticket and then freezes as soon as he recognizes the driver. The cop returns to his car to call his captain.
Cop: I gotta big problem. I started writing this ticket and then I discover I’m ticketing a very important, I mean very important, person.
Capt: So who is this very important person, you gotta call me at 2 a.m.? Who is it, Mayor Guiliani?
Cop: No much more important.
Capt: So who is it? Mario Cuomo or Bill Clinton?
Cop: No much bigger.
Capt: So who, Frank Sinatra, Pavorati, who??
Cop: Captain, I dunno who da hell this guy is. But I tell ya this, this guy is so BIG, he has the freakin’ Pope drivin’ for him!!!!

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves — the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, “Hey, don’t put that shit on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!” The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

It was the first day of Grade One in a new big city for Bobby Ray. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Bobby Ray, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right
up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade One, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to R or S, but Bobby
Ray rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, he once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess
in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Bobby Ray noted that, compared to the other boys in
his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but
mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama? he asked.
No, son, explained his Dad, that’s because you’re 17.

With two months of the school year over several students having trouble in reading were transfered to the remedial reading class.
The new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
“Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” asks the teacher.
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

A man walks into a tavern and sees an elephant sitting at the bar with a large bowl of cash placed in front of him. He walks up to the bar and the bartender explains “ The first person who can make the elephant laugh will win the $10,000 in the jar. “ The man casually walks up to the elephant and whispers something into his ear. All of the sudden, the elephant starts laughing hysterically with his ears flapping and his trunk bouncing up and down on the bar knocking over drink glasses. “I don’t know what you whispered, “said the bartender, but here is your $10,000.” A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came up to him and said, “Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can win this prize by making him cry.” The man then walked over to the elephant and stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling nearby beer mugs. The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. “What on earth did you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?” “The first time”, said the man, “ I told him that mine was bigger than his” “The second time, “ he continued, “I showed him.”

Two years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for several years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow
in the dark, Magnum size and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended.
He replied , “The condom made of lamb intestine has a more natural feel.”
As a transplanted Yankee now living in the South I said, “Not to us city boys.”

Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle cleaner. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home extremely upset. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember what I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle cleaner?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle cleaner?”
“Oh... she got fired too.”

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:
“Father, I am an 80 year old man, I’m married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and
made love all night long.”
The priest said, “My son, when was the last time you were at confession?”
The old man said, “I have never been to confession, I’m Jewish.”
The priest said, “Then why are you here telling me this?”
The old man said, “Father, I’m telling everyone!”

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. “What the hell are you
supposed to be?” asked the host. “A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”

Ben, Pete and Nick went to a car race one day. Unfortunately, a race car crashed through the fence into the spectators and
they were killed.
Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said,
“Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I’m sure you’ll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you’ll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on.”
That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Ben stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it
just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. “I warned you that if you
broke the duck rule you’d be punished.” He chained the homely woman to Ben and said, “You will be together forever,” and
walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Pete accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked
and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman.
“I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you’d be punished.” With that, he chained the woman to Pete and said,
“The two of you will be together for all eternity,” and walked away.
Well, Nick was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained
her to Nick and said, “You will be together now and forever more,” and walked away. Nick exclaimed, “Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck...”

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn?
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, “Get the f-ck off our car!”

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A smart-mouthed jock in the back of the room asks, “What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Not
an excuse. Write with your other hand.”

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy
admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.”

A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back. "Not tonight, dear," she says. "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow." The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns over and again starts caressing her back. "Honey, stop," she says. "I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning." I know," he answers. " But you don't have to go to the dentist, do you?"

A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck” said a third, to
which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,” another went on...
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” -winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence... “Well, it’s not that bad” said one woman cheerfully...
“Thank God we can all still drive!”

I was helping my neighbor set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he’s got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in “penis”...
I nearly fell off the chair when AOL replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED...
TOO SHORT *****

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days...at sundown of third day, you die! What is first wish?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass and the horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians all look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man - can only think of one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off the horse and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring once again, “Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.” The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man - what you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians can’t believe his request, but they bring him his horse.
This time the cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! - POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

Patient: Doctor, give it to me straight. How long have I got?
Doctor: I don’t want to upset you, but from now on, you’ll have to pay in cash.

Two guys sitting on a bench in a small town. One says to the other, “Did you hear the doctor was arrested for making love to one of his patients?”
The other guy says, “Yeah, it’s a shame, too. He was the best veterinarian this town has ever had.”

Doctor: Your heart is as strong as an ox and you can make love as ofter as you want. I’ll write a note to your wife... what’s her name?
Patient: If it’s all the same to you, Doc, just address it to:
To Whom It May Concern

There’s this guy in a bar drinking and he looks at his watch and decides he better get home so he goes to stand up and falls down. So then he tries to get up and falls down again. So finally the third time he tries to get up and again he fell down. So finally he just crawled the whole way home.
The next mourning his wife comes to his bed asked him if he had been drinking last night.
So he replied “no.”
She said “Bull shit, the bar just called to say you left you wheelchair down there.”

Two cowboys are talking over a beer discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”.
The other rustler asks what the position is and how to do it.
“Well, get your lover to get on the bed on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear “Your sister likes this position as well.... then you try and hang on for 8 seconds.”

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor’s office and tells him how great the pill worked. “I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table.”
The doctor says, “ Oh dear. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the pill was that strong.”
The lady replied, “No, no, it’s okay Doctor. We’re just not welcome back at Denny’s anymore.”

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company. After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, “I know we are both old and can’t do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?”
The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man’s penis. One day the man didn’t show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman’s hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, “We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine.
Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don’t?”
“Parkinson’s,” replied the old man with a smile.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium — he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said “no.” Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!”
The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 67. “That’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”
“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral.”

George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet — every cent he owned — and watched the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!!” The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants... you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

Age & Womanhood

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly
beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it’s down there, but who gives a
damn?

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 20 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation,
“I now pronounce you man and wife.”

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000
into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who smirks and replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests.
He then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bullseye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
He continued “Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money.” “I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.” The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”
“Well, all right.” the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios....... ”

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their arm pits, one by one. As she lifted the last one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in 5th.” “No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.”

Spain has funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 3 years and cost over 100,000,000,000 pesetas. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis
is wider was to provide men more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study
on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After 4 years of research and at a cost in excess of 200,000,000 francs, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is wider than the shaft to provide women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, the English decided to
conduct their own study. The English didn’t really trust the Spanish or
French studies. After nearly 2 weeks of intensive research and at a
cost of just under 56 quid, the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is wider
than its shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, “So why are you here?” He replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything — the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.” The black lab says,”So what is the vet going to do?” “Gonna give me Prozac,”came the reply from the chocolate
lab.” All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.”
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?” The yellow lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab inquired. “Looks like Prozac for me too,” the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for.
“I’m a humper”, the black lab says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my
owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on
her back and started humping away.” The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, “So, Prozac for you too,
huh?”
The black lab says, “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, “We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.”
Jon says, “Why not Thursday?”
The boss says, “Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel.”

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, “So, do you notice anything different about me?”
“What’s different? It’s the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What’s different?”
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, “Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?”
“What’s different, Sam? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow. “Angrily, Sam yells, “DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN? Cause it’s looking at my NEW BOOTS!”
Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat!”

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?” “No,” she replied, “I’m sorry, it isn’t.” “Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, “Why yes sir, this IS a union house.”
The man asked, “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”